Cycles

I have been invited out to Thailand by an old friend of mine who is right now my guardian angel

I haven’t seen Crispin in over 4 years..and there he is in his spanking red truck, with the biggest Crispin smile :)

"Lexi it's so nice to hear your voice again," it has been so long though. 4 years without speaking. I met Crispin whilst I was at university, and had just moved on from Manchester a very unhappy person.

It was the first week at uni, good old freshers week and I came across Crispin and Julz in this wee club in the basement of an old pub; them with their cheeky smiles and me and Kelly with our equally smouldering glances.

What the next 3 years was going to be like would test not only my courage, but my heart, mind and soul...little did I know just how difficult it was going to be.

Myself and a friend of mine we named Irish Tommy left the club and went on to Crispin's house, his den...smokey and new...appealing...but also unnerving...eyes watching..judging and figuring me out. You see, me and Crispin had a "thing," a barrier uncrossed, as I was at the time with my boyfriend Alex. Me and Crispin never went further than a kiss I don't think...god this brings back memories. The pain I felt when telling Alex I liked someone else, the pain of Crispin not wanting it now, all reminds me of my present situation.

You see I fell for somebody in only 3 weeks, hook line and sinker, and it all came to an end only 4 days ago. Me breaking it off with my ex, and getting into a new state of affairs with somebody else to only have it sink.

I'm sorry if I'm jumping from point to point but this is just to get it all out of my head like I've needed to. It seems to me that there are relationship cycles..one that you can get stuck on. You know when you look at a young couple, her pushing the baby, him with a fag 'angin out his mouth, swaggering down the road. They’re both screaming at each other, the child with a sticky lollipop in her hand, and a coat that makes her head shrink into her shoulders. She looks completely unnerved by the whole thing event, but also that she is never truly happy.

And the mother of the child keeps on getting with same men, in fact after this jobby shes with now, she gets with another one, and has baby Darren, and next year she’s getting engaged to Gary, but to her dismay he fucks off with a shelf stacker in tescos “Just my luck.” Then there was Dave who was a road worker, he was well good in bed! But then he seemed to go off me…what did I do…You getting the picture here people? Cycles?


So how do we break them? It seems that if I really like someone, I push myself onto them, you have to want it too, how can you not when I feel so strongly about you?
Now why would be this be? Why is the same old thing happening, that I want someone so much and this pushes them away. Is it because they can feel I've been emotionally hurt, and they don't want to risk doing the same...or is it that I keep meeting the wrong person?

Crispin put up with all of my pushyness, he dominated me, which I don't often let happen, and it scared me...it's that sense of vulnerability that scares me...where I'm exposed, and my heart is but a millimetre away from getting pricked. My stomach churns, my head twirls...and very often.. I run away. On this occasion with Kyle I didn't run away...4 days into the relationship I was starting to get panicky moments, “this is too quick!” I don't know if I'm ready...but I sailed through it everytime I looked at his face. I trusted him not to break me. He pinky promised… (sad isn’t it?)

Mummy says don't close down your heart, Crispin was saying become colder, it helps...where is the mix in all of this? How do we break the cycle?